


I'll Fake Asleep Until I'm Dreaming

by WednesdayAngeline



Category: Bandom, Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:14:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25920409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WednesdayAngeline/pseuds/WednesdayAngeline
Summary: Awsten has an eating disorder, and everyone doesn't see it for what it is until it's too late.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	I'll Fake Asleep Until I'm Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This fic is not to speculate on Awsten's mental health, it's just a vent fic that's mostly me projecting my eating disorders and other issues onto Awsten. Please don't read it if this triggers you. Tw for eating disorder behaviors, obviously, and self harm. There are numbers. Set in December 21st to 24th of 2019, I tried to keep everything accurate.

Awsten was hurting so bad. He was so hungry, and it wasn’t like they didn’t have food. Otto had leftover chipotle reserved for him, and Jawn had a massive stash of candy. He won’t miss any if Awsten sneaked off with a candy bar or two. But no, Awsten knows it’s better to deal with the pain of the hunger pangs than the laxatives cutting him into shreds after eating. Those come with the side effect of everyone giving him the evil eye for hogging the toilet too, so why not just starve? It’s so much easier.

Awsten knew he could do this for at least another day or two. Tomorrow was an off day, so he would mostly need food the day after tomorrow before the show, to make sure he doesn’t pass out onstage. That would be embarrassing, and everyone would find out about this little secret he’s been trying so hard to hide. Sometimes he wondered what they would say. The fans would probably think it’s crazy and Awsten was being overdramatic. _After all, men can’t have eating disorders, right?_ Awsten thought sarcastically.

What he was terrified of was the reactions of those around him...they would realize all the times he has lied to them. Lucas would know immediately, all the times he’s said he’s not hungry or he’s already eaten were lies. And Geoff would realize why he can’t stand up too quickly and why he looked like he was on the verge of passing out after shows sometimes. And Jawn would realize all the times he found endless amounts of candy wrappers (that weren’t thanks to him) were the results of Awsten’s binges. And Otto would realize he never, ever had any of the food he prepared. He can’t bear thinking of their disappointed faces and the pitying words he would get.

Awsten grabbed the nearest bottle of water and chugged half of it down in a gulp, feeling the coolness fill his gut. That will do for now. He laid on his stomach, trying to ignore the protests from his exhausted body, closing his eyes and attempted to rest. No such luck – a couple minutes later he heard someone banging on his curtain. He groaned inwardly and peered out. It was Lucas. “What is it?”

“Shit, were you sleeping?” Lucas asked, an apology in his question. “Travis asked if he could drop by before the Houston show on Monday.” The Houston show was the night after tomorrow, it would be good to have one of his best friends there as a boost. It was also the last show before he would get a break, getting to see his family and rest with his friends for Christmas.

“Sure,” Awsten replied, and rolled back to face the wall. Thankfully, Lucas left him alone after that. He traced random shapes on the wall, lost in his thoughts again.

Awsten didn’t know when he started to not eat. If he had to pinpoint a date, it would’ve been at the end of 2018, when they set off for the Entertainment tour with IDKHow. It was just stressful being on tour again, and he was overwhelmed. He needed to have something to control, one thing in his life that wasn’t dictated by the label or management or Lucas’ whiteboard. Food was an easy choice. It wasn’t like he immediately starved himself, he just gradually ate less and less, until he could go a day or two without eating on tour, and even longer when he’s at home. Being off-tour made it even easier for him – there were only two places he went in L.A., his studio and the Starbucks ten minutes away. He even swapped out his frivolous Starbucks order for an iced Americano. He would wake up, weigh himself (another perk of being at home – he had a scale), work out, go to Starbucks, write music, go to the studio if he needed, and sleep. Repeat until new release.

Occasionally he had to eat, to keep up appearances or for a day when he just needed some energy and caffeine wouldn’t cut it. He loved his friends, but he dreaded when they visited L.A. out of the blue and decide to drop by. He’d have to research calories of the restaurants they were ordering from, and they would usually (at least if it was Jawn) tempt Awsten with junk food. It took all his willpower to resist. And Awsten had a lot of willpower, but he was only human. Sometimes he would give in and eat anyway, making himself starve for a couple days after to make up for his mistakes. He would cry at the number on the scale when it went up, even when it was obviously just food or water weight. He knew that, but he would cry anyway because that number represented his worth.

On tour it was more difficult. He got away with hiding his emaciated body under his long sleeves and jeans, but it didn’t escape the other guys’ attention that his cheekbones were sharper, and Awsten’s crowning glory – his hair – was getting thinner, despite how much he claimed to care for it. They would find clumps of green in their shower and share worried glances, but no one wanted to set Awsten’s temper off. It was rare that the lead singer got angry, but when he did, it was a bad time for all of them. So they just prodded at him to eat carefully, small reminders and notes and texts, giving him space but also letting him know they care.

Awsten heard the lights turn off and finally slipped into his reverie.

“Aws, wake up, it’s noon! We got McDonalds!” Lucas’ voice was booming through his curtain. Awsten immediately knew that a couple of the others must have tried to wake him up, they only ever used Lucas as a last resort.

Awsten grumbled under his breath, opening his curtain and shielding his eyes from the blinding light. “I’m coming, I’m coming, just leave whatever for me. I don’t have much of an appetite.” He climbed down the bunk and rubbed his eyes.

Lucas pursed his lips. “You haven’t had an appetite the whole tour, Awsten. Are you sure you’re not sick?”

“I don’t need a doctor.”

Lucas was going to say more, but at Awsten’s expression, he dropped it. Awsten headed out to the washroom. He splashed water on his face and showered, making himself look fresh for the meet and greet. It’s not for a couple hours, but Awsten wanted to look the best for the fans, always. Their adoring eyes always gave him a self-esteem boost. Awsten styled his hair to make it look thicker, sighing as some of it fell away in clumps.

Otto banged on the door. “Awsten, if you’re taking a dump, I swear–”

“I’m not!” Awsten shouted, throwing the bathroom door open.

Jawn rolled his eyes at their childish behaviour. “It’s not like Aws has anything to dump when he doesn’t eat,” he muttered.

Awsten’s eyes narrowed as he joined the others. “What did you say?”

“It’s nothing.”

“No, you said something, what did you say?” Awsten growled.

Jawn sighed in defeat. “I said, it’s not like you have anything to dump when you’re not eating anything! You can pretend you’re completely fine but it’s obvious you’re not. The last time we ate together was three days ago. Has anyone seen Awsten eat since then?”

A silence fell over the tour bus as the men all shared glances.

“I eat!” Awsten exclaimed. “I eat when you guys play Mario Kart or go out or whatever! Just because you don’t see me eat doesn’t mean I don’t.”

“Fine. Tell us what you ate,” Geoff said, crossing his arms. He loved Awsten, and he hated that this was happening, but he couldn’t deny that there was something wrong with his friend.

“I- I…” Awsten stammered. He was good at lying, but when all of their eyes were on him, it wasn’t so easy. “Fine! You got me, I haven’t eaten. You want me to eat?” He grabbed the fries in front of him and stuffed them into his mouth. He chewed quickly, taking another fistful after he was done. He didn’t realize hot tears were running down his cheeks until he felt them on his sweater. The other guys were watching him with their mouths agape, like he was a car crash they couldn’t look away from. “Stop staring! I’m doing what you want, I’m eating! Why aren’t you happy?” Awsten screamed.

He ran back into the bunk and closed the curtain, curling himself into a ball. He felt so big, so bloated, so fat after the fries. How many calories were in them. _300? 400?_ There was so much oil on them, his fingers were still glistening. He felt disgusting, he wanted to purge immediately. He never purged through throwing up because his voice on tour gets damaged enough as is, but he has never been more tempted to. God, if he gained after tour because of this he would kill himself. He weighed 58.8kg before leaving, and he was hoping to have dropped a few kilos by the time he returned. He decided that if he gained, he would lock himself in and starve until he lost the weight. It was only a reasonable punishment for losing control.

He needed to shut the voice up in his head. _How dare you eat. You don’t deserve to, you fat fucking whale. They all think you’re disgusting and they’re only staying friends with you out of pity._ Awsten reached for his bag, the one with his first aid kit and blades. Just a little bit, to take the edge off, to keep him sane until the show.

Monday rolled over before he knew it. Awsten struggled to get himself out of bed before noon, wanting to look good before he met up with Travis. It wasn’t like the boy hasn’t seen him at his worst, but he hasn’t seen Travis in so long, it was only courtesy to look nice. Awsten grinned at the thought of bantering with his best friend again, Travis always managed to make anything into the most interesting conversation.

He nodded at Geoff, who was playing on his switch. All of them had an unspoken agreement to pretend yesterday afternoon never happened, for the sake of the shows and their sanity. “I’m going to have lunch with Travis and we’ll be back around two, do y’all want anything?”

Geoff couldn’t help smiling a little hearing that Awsten was going to have lunch. He shook his head. “Otto’s probably getting chipotle again. Thanks though, have fun at lunch.”

Awsten snorted. “It’s just lunch.” He headed out, and as he expected, Travis was already waiting for him at the restaurant. Travis had sent him a list of restaurants, and after looking up each menu with its nutritional information Awsten picked a health food restaurant that he’s been to a couple times. He remembered the food being good, so it shouldn’t be too hard to fake his satisfaction.

He pulled Travis into a tight hug as soon as they met, tears slipping out of his eyes. “God, I missed you so much dude.”

Travis smiled against Awsten’s bony frame. “I missed you too, dude.” He hugged Awsten back, worry nagging at the back of his mind as he felt Awsten’s spine poke into his arm through the oversized sweater. The man definitely seemed thinner, almost more…fragile? He decided to keep his mouth shut until he had a chance to talk to the others about it. “Hey, how the fuck are you still wearing a massive sweater? It’s hot as fuck,” he remarked as they both sat down in the restaurant.

“Not as bad as it is in L.A.,” Awsten pointed out. They quickly ordered, Travis getting some weird seafood quinoa and apple juice whilst Awsten chose the salad he had looked up, and his usual Americano. They started chatting and all of Awsten’s stress over yesterday dissipated, Travis always managing to make everything better.

Awsten picked at his salad, nibbling on the lettuce slowly. “Did you eat a lot this morning?” Travis asked. He hasn’t seen Awsten’s appetite nearly this bad, although he did eat less the last couple times they met. Travis just assumed he was on some sort of diet courtesy of his vocal doctor.

“Oh, just some breakfast. There was leftover chipotle from yesterday.”

Travis shook his head. “You’re already skinnier than I am, you need to get some meat on your bones!”

Awsten laughed nervously. “Don’t be ridiculous. That’s not going to happen unless you actually become Fat Travis. I’m not that skinny, I just don’t feel like eating.” He batted away Travis’ hand offering him seafood.

Travis made a mental note to _definitely_ text Jawn after this. Awsten was worrying him.

“Guys, can we talk about Awsten?” Jawn broached the topic as they were munching on their takeout. Awsten was finally out of the tour bus, and they could all feel the tension leave with him.

“What about him? He’s in one of his moods, we can’t do a lot about it except give him space,” Geoff said. He was the most hurt from yesterday’s outburst, feeling almost indignant at how Awsten reacted. He was just trying to care for his friend, but if Awsten wanted to push him away, then fine.

Lucas sighed. “I think it’s more than a mood. He refuses to see a doctor about it, so there must be something more. Do you guys think he’s having some sort of food problem?”

“I mean, he’s never been a really picky eater. And now he turns down most foods we offer. He doesn’t even drink that sickly sweet shit he loved from Starbucks anymore, and y’all know he loves that,” Otto pointed out. The others nodded in agreement.

“Do y’all think Awsten maybe has anorexia? I have a friend who had it and she was doing pretty bad for a while. Now that I think about it, she and Awsten’s behaviours were so similar,” Lucas said, his voice dropping at his realization, “I can’t believe I never saw it.”

“Anorexia as in like, when girls go on diets and shit? But Awsten knows he’s hot shit, he doesn’t need a diet,” Geoff frowned in confusion.

Otto smacked him lightly on the arm, a scowl on his face. He loved Geoff but the dude can be so thick headed sometimes. “It’s not that simple, dummy. You saw how he reacted yesterday when you tried to grill him on his habits. He can’t ‘just eat’. There’s probably some complex mental shit that goes with it.”

Jawn frowned. “Awsten doesn’t deserve this. He’s already dealing with so much.” He was beating himself up. How could he not have realized his best friend was going through something so severe? They were all too irresponsible with him, letting him go on like this. They should have put a stop to this way earlier, back at Slam Dunk when Awsten all but collapsed in Jawn’s arms after singing onstage with All Time Low. Sure, festival gigs were tiring, but it was no Warped Tour, and Awsten should’ve been in good condition by then. He wanted to hit himself for not realizing sooner. The signs were all there.

“So what do we do? Do we stage some sort of intervention? That seems like such a cliché thing to do.” It was Geoff that spoke up. He did want to help Awsten, he really did, especially now that it seemed more severe than it did moments ago. But he knew Awsten was a stubborn shithead, and he probably wouldn’t accept their help until it was too late.

“Well, since we’re in Houston, I’m sure Roscoe and Ginny would be happy to help with this. Gracie, too. They’d be able to knock some sense into Awsten,” Jawn suggested. “We just have to get through tonight’s show, and then we can chill.”

Lucas took a deep breath. Management would kill him if the closing show didn’t go smoothly. “Okay, let’s do this.”

Awsten was thriving. The stage is where he feels most at home, and he swore he never felt more alive as he sang the lyrics to _Watch What Happens Next_ , watching thousands of faces yell the words – _his words_ – back at him in the audience.

It all happened like slow motion. One moment he was jumping, the next, he fell forward. There was a sickening crunch when he hit the floor, the mic rolling out of his hand. Geoff rushed over to him, Otto doing so as well a moment later. They felt his pulse. “He’s alive,” said Geoff, hugging the singer with tears running down his cheeks. He and Otto each held one of Awsten’s arms as they moved him backstage. Both of them had the same chilling realization of just how bony Awsten has gotten when they were able to wrap a hand around his wrist.

Jawn, who was photographing sidestage, was shouting at Lucas. “Call an ambulance!” he yelled, loud enough so that Lucas could hear over the ear plugs. “Call an ambulance, it’s Awsten.” He screamed himself hoarse, crying as Geoff and Otto dragged Awsten backstage. He couldn’t believe this was happening. It wasn’t supposed to happen, Awsten was strong.

Lucas was the only one keeping himself together, but only because he had the responsibility to. He barked orders at various members of the crew to clear the stage, to clear the crowd, to make sure that Awsten could leave when the ambulance comes. After making sure that everything was under control, he walked over to check up on Awsten, next to a sobbing Jawn and the other bandmates trying to comfort him. They had put him on a couch, watching the rise and fall of his chest even as he was unconscious. One of his legs was propped up by a cushion. “He broke something in his knee when he fell,” Geoff said by way of explanation. Otto had carefully cut away that part of Awsten’s jeans, hoping that that would help somewhat. Hopefully Awsten didn’t like those jeans too much.

Lucas pulled Awsten’s sweater up to check for wounds. He could hear Geoff’s sharp intake of breath as they all looked at Awsten’s body – his ribs were bulging, almost threatening to burst through skin. His concave stomach was littered with red lines, small shallow cuts that overlapped. More cuts on his hipbones that jutted out painfully. Otto felt like he was going to be sick. Jawn just wailed louder when he saw. Lucas pulled the sweater back down again, feeling as if he had invaded Awsten’s privacy.

Awsten woke up in a white room and everything hurt. He looked around. It was a hospital room, and he must have hurt his leg because it was in a cast. Jawn was sleeping next to him in a chair. He could faintly catch some words from the doctor outside his door. “…meal plan…feeding tube…”

He bolted up. _They knew._ Fuck, what were they going to do? They can’t make him go inpatient, he was an adult. He was _fine_.

“He’s awake!” A familiar voice outside cried out, and Gracie rushed in. Her eyes were rimmed red, and Awsten’s heart dropped. He didn’t mean to make his sister cry. “Awsten, you stupid fuck, I was so scared,” she said, putting her arms gently around him. He could feel her tears soaking his hospital gown.

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to.”

Jawn was awoken by the hubbub. Once Gracie let go, he took her place, pulling Awsten into a delicate hug. “Dude, I’m so glad you’re awake. You have no idea how I felt.”

He was quickly crowded after Gracie went and got their parents, who were having lunch with the rest of the guys in the cafeteria. Everyone was there, and everyone was looking at him with pity in their eyes. He hated this. He loved all of them, but this was his worst nightmare.

“So will someone please tell me what’s going on instead of staring at me like I’ve grown a second head?” Awsten finally said, attempting to break the silence with a joke.

His mother burst into tears. The doctor walked up through the crowd. “Hello, Awsten, I’m Doctor Matthews. Last night, you fainted at Warehouse Live and you were brought here shortly afterwards on an ambulance. I’m afraid you broke your kneecap when you fell, but it should be able to heal and with physical therapy, it will return to its previous state.” The doctor took a deep breath, letting Awsten take in the information before continuing, “however, we have also observed that you have an eating disorder, and that you’ve been self-harming, which are both more worrying than your kneecap at the moment. Awsten, when you were taken in, you only weighed 52 kg. You’re underweight, and if you continue dropping weight like this it could be life-threatening. We have suggested to your parents and tour manager that you cancel the next tour, maybe spend some time inpatient–”

“No!” Awsten shouted, before he could hold himself back. “I’m not going inpatient, you can’t make me do this.”

“Awsten, it’s for your own good,” Geoff said, his voice trembling. Awsten could see the tears in his eyes. “Please, no one will be mad at you if we cancel, we want you to be healthy, Awsten.”

“You want me to be _fat_ ,” Awsten spat. “All of you, you’re all trying to poison me with your calories and your sugars,” he said the words with such vitriol that his mother whimpered, and he felt bad for upsetting her. His voice softened a little. “I’ll stay here until my knee heals, but after that I’m leaving. And you can’t pull a 5150 on me, I know I’m not bad enough for that.”

Jawn shook his head sadly. “But you are, Aws. You just won’t see it until you’re at the point of no return.”

“Then let me reach it,” Awsten said with tears rolling down his cheeks. “I want to reach it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really bad at endings, I know. I left this one on a negative note on purpose, because imo it's unrealistic if he magically agrees to recovery in the end. Just to clarify, in the fic Awsten has anorexia but it's the binge/purging sub-type, since most times when he eats he uses laxatives to purge afterwards. I would love any feedback or comments.


End file.
